Living in NYC, I see people flip out all the time.  A suit-and-tie gets a grande latte instead of a venti, and starts ranting and raving about how Starbucks employees are idiots, then storms out. Some hipster finds that tickets have sold out and flips out on the ticket clerk.  I once saw a guy get sick of waiting in line at Whole Foods, throw a chocolate bar at the clerk, and walk out with a turkey.

The point here is not that New Yorkers are crazy; they are, but that isn’t the point.  The point is that people get upset, violent-crazy-throwing-a-chocolate-bar upset, when they feel as though they aren’t getting the service they deserve.

The problem that suit-and-tie, hipster girl, and crazy turkey guy have now, besides the fact that they are all now incredibly pissed off, is that their anger didn’t get them anything.  Indeed, it actually blocked the path to a good resolution.  The suit-and-tie still ended up with a grande, because his anger made it too hard to actually pursue a reasonable course of action that would result in more coffee.  Turkey guy did get his turkey, but he also got a warrant for his arrest.

As nicely exemplified in this post on PFBlog, a polite tone and a simple request can often get you what you want without landing you in jail.  Here are a few reasons why:

• Anger gives them ammunition. Nobody likes to deal with a pissed off person. Sometimes this works to your advantage, as they’ll give you what you want just to get you to go away.  But more often than not, it just gives them a reason to dismiss you as a nut. This is particularly true in a crowded place: the people at Starbucks know that other people are watching your transaction, and that if you act like a jerk, the crowd isn’t likely to walk away when the barista tells you to bugger off.




• Sometimes a smile is your best weapon. You don’t actually have to be happy to smile – a smile is a signal that you are willing to be happy at some point, and to engage in a conversation that moves toward that goal.  When you are negotiating with someone, you need to always reinforce the message that by taking a set of specific actions (your demands), they will earn a reward (you as a satisfied, and returning, customer); a smile is a critical part of that strategy.




• If I’m happy, you’re happy. In general, people base a good deal of social interaction on mimicry.  When you are calm and collected, you make it easier for the other person to act the same way, because they are taking their cues from you.  Same deal with getting pissed – you get angry, they get angry, people start throwing chocolate bars.

I’m not saying that controlling your anger is easy – sometimes, the fact that you didn’t get your coffee is just the cap on a bad day and it pushes you over the edge.  But I am suggesting that most the time, it is worth it.  Whether it helps you get a refund or the latte that you’ve been craving, keeping a cool head and approaching the situation with a smile is going to make it easier to walk away happy.  And you get to keep the chocolate bar.