Read this before you speak to a debt collector, or call a debt consolidation company.

I watch a lot of late night TV. When Futurama comes on at 2 AM, the commercials become strange.

The ads no longer aim to convince me that a computerized lizard can save me 15% on my car insurance or that eating probiotic yogurt will turn me into a pretty, young twenty-something woman who dances around in her underwear, rejoicing about her digestive regularity.

Instead, a far darker scene plays: a woman receives call in the middle of the night. She stumbles to the phone. A menacing voice is on the other line. “Ms. Johnson, we’re calling again about your unpaid bills.” She slams the receiver down in terror. A narrator asks: “are you over your head in credit card debt?” and then informs me that instead of being harassed and powerless like poor Ms. Johnson, calling this hotline can solve all of my problems.

Now, I don’t have credit problems, but I’m thinking that someone should really tell poor Ms. Johnson her rights. That scary-voiced bastard can’t call her repeatedly, and he can’t call her late at night. If you’re in debt like Ms. Johnson’s, you should know your rights as detailed in the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act:

• A debt collector can contact you and your co-signer, but the collector can’t contact anyone else about your debt. Third-parties may be contacted once to confirm location information, but the debt collector cannot reveal your delinquency.
• The debt collector has to tell you how much debt you owe, and to whom, within five days of contact.
• If a debt collector contacts you at work, he can’t let your employer know the purpose of the call.
• A debt collector can’t try to embarrass you through the mail. The collector can’t use any symbol or language on an envelope in the mail that indicates he is a debt collector, and he can’t send a post card.
• Calls can only be made between 8 AM to 9 PM.
• Abusive language cannot be used. Threats are prohibited.
• If you notify the debt collector that you refuse to pay and want them to stop contacting you, they have to stop. He can only contact you to confirm that they’ll cease contact, or to inform you of a specific action being taken against you.
• If you have an attorney, the debt collector can only contact your attorney.
• Intimidation tactics are banned. A debt collector can’t pretend to be from a court or a law-enforcement agency over the phone or misrepresent documents sent to you as legal or official documents from a court or government agency.
• A debt collector can’t give you a false name.
• A debt collector can’t cash a post-dated check prematurely.
• A debt collector can’t misrepresent your debt. They also can’t threaten to take action against your wages or property unless the creditor or agency expressly intends to take those actions, and it is legal to take those actions.
• They can’t collect more than you owe.

If a debt collector violates any of these rules, you can take legal action against them. You can report the violation to your state’s attorney general. You also have the right to hire an attorney and sue the creditor within one year of the violations. Now only if someone would tell frazzled Ms. Johnson that before she rips the phone out of the wall and flees the country in terror.